Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

Oh Christmas music.  How it always seems to almost never change, with the exception of the occasional new edition to the genre (which nowadays is like what, maybe one or two every couple of years?).  It seems like the genre is inundated with covers and rehashes of older songs.  I’ve spend a fair amount of time each season for as long as I can remember (I’m a very old man) listening to Christmas music.  From listening to it while riding in the car with my mother, to hearing it at every shopping center beginning in what seems late October, and even hearing it on my morning commute to work,  I’ve listened to A LOT of Christmas songs.  And after a while, I realized I started to analyze the lyrics to different Christmas songs.  So anyways, here’s what I’ve learned from Christmas music!

“Last Christmas”

Clearly, the singer isn’t over what happened last year.  The radio stations around here have been playing the Taylor Swift cover of this.  T-Swift and a song about heartbreak…what an original concept!

“The Twelve Days of Christmas”

I would hate being the recipient of those presents.  What in the HELL would I do with all of those birds?!

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

One of the ONLY positive outcomes the kid in this song can look forward to is having Christmas twice after the father divorces the mother for making out with Santa.

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

Kind of morbid that an elderly woman’s death at the hands of a caribou is considered hilarious.

“Santa Baby”

It’s a Christmas song for gold diggers everywhere!  Might be any Kardashian’s favorite Christmas tune.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

I’m pretty sure this song is about date rape.  The guy keeps trying to get the girl to stay over, even resorting to slip something in her drink.

“Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”

He sees you when you’re sleeping.  He knows when you’re awake.  Santa is a creep.

“Christmas Shoes”

Probably the most depressing Christmas song ever created.  I thought the holidays were generally an uplifting time of the year.  Instead of making me feel sad, I just get really pissed listening to how bad this song is.

“Under The Mistletoe”

Scratch the previous one.  This one is pretty depressing, probably more than Christmas Shoes.  It’s just a rehash of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Your’s” with some Christmas references tossed in.  And nothing says holiday love than referring to the woman you love as a “shawty”.

“Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”

You know that person you trolled for being different?!  They might prove useful someday.

“Back Door Santa”

Do I really need to elaborate on this one?!

“Christmas Tree”

Lady Gaga made a Christmas song…Christmas tree has a totally different meaning.  And from the rumor how she was supposedly a man, that Christmas tree is supposedly delicious.

“Little Drummer Boy”

Probably an auditory equivalent to Ambien.  Not even Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes could have made this any better.

Any Christmas cover by Trans Siberian Orchestra

Kind of makes the Christmas song sound more like either a power ballad or a war march.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You”

Probably the most overplayed Christmas song.  The addition of J-Biebs as a “remix” means we get to hear it even more!  Oh joy! </sarcasm>

“Jingle Bells” – The Barking Dog Version

Someone must have went ape shit with a soundboard and thought this was a smart idea.  If you have a dog, they bark.  No need to have a song dedicated to barking dogs.

“I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”

Maybe instead of a hippo, maybe the kid should ask Santa for the ability to sing.

“Dominick The Donkey”

Nothing like a Christmas song about an annoying ass.  Not until Nicki Minaj decides to churn out a Christmas song.

I can go on and on.  But that would probably keep you guys (and gals) reading up into the new year.

On behalf on myself, and The Wired Fish Network staff, I’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy What Ever Doesn’t Offend You and a Happy and Healthy New Year!

Til next time dear reader,

-Jon “xHipsterPanda”