Have you seen Coyote Ugly or Showgirls? How about the music video for LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It? If you answered YES to any of them, then you’ve already seen Magic Mike.

Well thanks for reading. Until next time…

Totally not buying it?  Want me to elaborate?  Fair enough. I saw Magic Mike…willingly.  As a matter of fact, I was the one who rented this movie for my girlfriend and I to see. Did I want to see it for the black hole of charisma known as Channing Tatum? HELL NO. I just know a bunch of people who watched it and wanted to see what they were touting as “the best movie EVER”.

Why did they like this movie? Because Channing Tatum.  In response to that, I can answer in three “style over substance”. Tatum may seem like such a piece of eye candy, but the man could not act to save his life. It seems that every movie he’s in, he just takes his clothes off, sometimes there are shots of his man ass on screen, and that’s all it takes for some people to say his movies are so great. I’m here to provide a snarky male perspective on this chick flick.

Storyline:

Tatum plays Mike, a construction worker by day, and male entertainer by night. He meets Adam (“The Kid”) and takes him in as a protege into the world of male stripping. Adam has a sister who is essentially his handler…she is also Mike’s love interest. She also looks like she took acting lessons from Kristen Stewart:

She wants to get Mike out of the world of male dancing so he doesn’t end up as the “thirty year old male stripper”. Mike takes all of his money (primarily sweat stained singles) and tries to get a credit account so he can open up a business featuring furniture he’s made out of recycled stuff.  Unfortunately, his request is denied. Funny thing is aside from the construction site, we NEVER see him build a damn thing. In case you were wondering, I’ve omitted the parts where guys (including Delko from CSI: Miami, that guy from White Collar, Matthew McWhateverhislastnameis, and wrestler Kevin Nash) are all dancing around on stage…some of which outright wiggle their junk on screen. Apparently, Mike’s boss Dallas (Matthew McCajones) wants to pull a LeBron James and take his talents to South Beach. Adam gets into trouble with thievery, and overdoses on drugs, and owes Gabriel Iglesias’ character money. Mike spends all of his hard earned singles to cover Adam’s narrow ass, and has to start out fresh while quitting the stripping game to pursue his supposed business and Adam’s sister, we really don’t know about his furniture business.  Adam basically takes over for Mike and doesn’t learn his lesson.

Romance:

Adam’s sister, Brooke, and Mike spend all of like ten minutes of total screen time together, which means they’re meant to be together. Mike seemed to have more feelings for his booty call buddy played by Olivia Munn. Mike and Brooke had little to no chemistry together.  I dare say Twilight had a better love story, at least Bella and Edward showed some on-screen chemistry…a very lame one at that, but it still something.

Memorable/Funny Moments:

“The law says you cannot touch, but I see a lot of law breakers up in this house.”

–Dallas/Matthew McConaughey

Also Kevin Nash gets injured (most likely his quad) and can’t go out and perform…sounds like his wrestling career in a nutshell.

Overall, this movie was pretty terrible. I don’t want to hear it’s “because you’re a guy, Jon.”  My girlfriend hated it too, so much that she said it was WORSE than the other movie I made her sit through, That’s My Boy. The unresolved plot points, quarter-assed forced romance, the concept of objectification of the opposite gender to make the movie interesting to where it’s outright exploitation, and the fact that nobody in this thing could act if their life depended on it make this one of the worst movies I’ve seen in recent memory (along with That’s My Boy). You really can’t even say this dreck is a “coming of age movie”, only thing learned is that Mike quits being a male stripper, while that little piss ant Adam continues stealing and doing drugs, so he doesn’t learn a damn thing.

I find it extremely ironic that I reviewed something featuring oiled-up, half naked men, some in costumes, going out and performing for audiences every night.  Thing is, with wrestling, that’s actually entertaining. A guy’s version of Coyote Ugly isn’t.  Fuck this movie.

Just watch this video for a few minutes, Hell, watch it for 90 minutes, and it would have been far more entertaining than Magic Mike.

Until next time dear reader.

-Jon