Ringside Rants Vol. I – WWE Raw 1,000

Hello, and welcome to my new segment, Ringside Rants, your source for professional wrestling news and reviews.  I’m new to this so just bear with me.  Big shouts to James a.k.a. suikoinfinity and the folks at The Wired Fish for allowing me to come on board!

For my very first wrestling blog, I decided to review the landmark 1,000th episode of WWE Monday Night RAW.  So without any further pomp and circumstance, let’s get this bad boy going!

– We get a new signature, and new entrance video.  “Tonight Is The Night” by Outasight.

  • Thank you WWE for deciding to stop using Nickelback.

– New stage setup, it’s almost pay-per-view quality.

  • Also new logos and graphics
    • New lower-thirds (the nameplate on the bottom of the screen)

– Vince McMahon introduces Degeneration X – Shawn Michaels and Triple H

  • They bring out the other members of DX – Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, X-Pac
  • Typical DX self-introduction.
  • Get interrupted by Damien Sandow.  Who then eats Sweet Chin Music and Pedigree.

– This whole thing takes up about 20 minutes.

– Jim Ross is out on commentary…and he looks like the Big Boss Man.

– Match #1 – Six-man tag team match – Rey Mysterio,World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus and Sin Cara vs. Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho and Alberto Del Rio.

  • Everyone gets involved, too much stuff goes on at once.
  • Ziggler aces Jericho.
  • Jericho eats Brogue Kick from Sheamus.
  • Winners – Sheamus, Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio.
  • My Score 2/5.

– Apparently Jim Ross is only calling one match…LAME.

– Charlie Sheen on Skype…was he not allowed in the arena or something?

– AJ backstage with Layla.  They discuss wedding plans and how WWE is crazy…”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan appears, followed by R-Truth and Rowdy Roddy Piper…and Mae Young’s hand-child thing who’s all grown up.

– WWE whores themselves on another media platform…this week’s victim is Shazam.

  • My money is still on them whoring themselves out to Instagram…but they have Tout.

– Jack Swagger gets the jobber entrance…and he’s looking more like Gary Busey.

– Brodus Clay in a really gnarly looking American Flag old lady bathing suit along with Dude Love.

Match #2 – Jack Swagger vs. Brodus Clay

  • Blink and you just missed it…seriously took Brodus longer to get his ass to the ring.
  • Winner – Brodus Clay.
  • Losers – Jack Swagger, the audience and my sanity.
  • My score – 1/5.
  • BRODUS CLAY DANCE PARTY!!  Which ironically was longer than his match as well.

– Awkward backstage segment with DX and Trish Stratus…kinda creepy.

– Daniel Bryan/AJ wedding time!

– Slick came out to no reaction.

– YES! Dance in a white tux.

– In typical WWE fashion, wedding goes wrong, Vince McMahon comes out and says AJ is the new RAW General Manager…WHY?!

– AJ leaves Bryan at the altar.

– CM Punk pokes fun at Daniel Bryan’s misfortune.

– The Rock appears.

  • Does his usual Rock promo.

– Rock announces that he’s getting a WWE Championship…because getting an automatic title opportunity despite only having one match this year makes perfect sense.

– Buries Daniel Bryan and manages to NOT offend GLAAD.

– Rock hits the Rock Bottom on D. Bry.

– Smell what The Rock is cookin’?

– Bret Hart is the special guest ring announcer

Match #3 Intercontinental Championship – Christian (c.) vs. The Miz (who looks like he’s cosplaying as CM Punk).

  • Good solid match.  Back and forth action.
  • Christian tweaks his knee, prevents him from hitting his usual moves.
  • Miz delivers a Skull-Crushing Finale.
  • Winner and new Intercontinental Champion – The Miz
  • My score – 3/5

– More Charlie Sheen Skype nonsense.

  • Sheen offers romantic advice to Daniel Bryan…because a guy who’s been divorced three times, has had a history of violent behavior and restraining orders threatened on him and was dumped by a porn star is who I would go to for relationship advice.

– Triple H comes out, still in DX attire, but has his super serious face on this time to call out Brock Lesnar (Bork Laser).

– Paul Heyman comes out and rips on Trips’ family…which leads to Stephanie McMahon come out.

– Steph trolls Heyman for being a failure in every company he’s worked for, and then non-verbally asks him, “What did the five fingers say to the face?!”

  • Steph slaps him in the face.

– Triple H gets his match with Lesnar at SummerSlam (or as Jeremy Piven calls it, The SummerFest).


  • BROCK LESNAR used THRASH…It’s not very effective.
  • Trips throws Lesnar out of the ring.

– SIDE RANT – Two hours in and we’ve only been given THREE matches?!

– Video package highlighting the Austin-McMahon feud…when the product was actually, you know, good.

– Howard Finkel is the special guest ring announcer…why couldn’t he have announced all the matches?

– Heath “Wendy” Slater is out, challenges anyone to a no-countout, no disqualification match… Lita answers the call.

  • I like how Lita almost got dressed for this…what appeared to be sweatpants and a bra.
  • She must have never received the memo that it’s now a family show.

– Lita says she’s hired some protection (with her track record…she really needs it)

– Slater tries to escape…only to be greeted by the WWE Legends.

Match #4 – Lita vs. Heath Slater…who despite his nickname for being a hamburger restaurant mascot, is a man.

  • Slater gets chased back into the ring.
  • Eats a Twist of Fate.
  • Bradshaw delivers a Clothesline from Hell…Slater sells it like a champ.
  • Lita’s moonsault…which she managed to NOT botch.
  • Winner – Lita
  • My score – 1/5.
  • Legends basically stood around.
  • Rikishi is there, and no Legends dance party.

– Sean Mooney does a backstage interview with Daniel Bryan.

  • Are they really going to go through with a Daniel Bryan/Charlie Sheen feud?!

– Michael Cole interviews the 100 million social media follower who apparently scored free tickets to this debacle.

  • Gets almost as many boos and Michael Cole!

– Catchphrase video package with Fozzie Bear.

  • Noticeable lack of phrases from Eddie Guerrero and Edge.

– SIDE RANT – Speaking of Edge, was he not invited?!

– Zack Ryder references GTV with “Mean” Gene Okerlund and John Cena.

– Rock and Cena backstage segment.

  • You can cut the sexual tension between them with a spork.

– Kane comes out for a match.

– Jinder Mahal, Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Drew McIntyre, Hunico and Camacho come out.

  • Did Jinder Mahal forget that it’s the 1,000th episode and not the 999th?!

– Undertaker comes out to the ring.

  • In the amount of time it took him to get to the ring, I managed to file my taxes and make a soufflé.

– Taker has trouble removing his hood.

  • Calling it now, Undertaker vs. A Hood at WrestleMania 29.

– Apparently, it’s not a match, it’s Undertaker and Kane burying the younger talent.

  • Was this necessary?  The could have had a 6-on-2 handicap match.

– Video of Cena challenging Punk.

  • Cena delivers with all the raw energy and emotion of a Speak ‘N Spell.

– More hype of a Daniel Bryan/Charlie Sheen face-off at SummerSlam…I hate this.

Match #5 – WWE Championship – CM Punk (c.) vs. John Cena (Money In The Bank cash in)

  • Rather slow paced, not as good as their older matches.
  • Ref bump, Big Show comes out and lays Cena out while Punk watches.
  • Punk looks conflicted and still attempts a pin.
  • Big Show comes back out and hits Cena.
  • Winner – John Cena via DQ.
  • My Score – 2/5.

– Show hits Cena more, Punk does nothing.

– Rock steps in to save Cena, lays out Big Show.

– CM Punk prevents a People’s Elbow and hits a Go To Sleep on Dwayne.

– Punk leaves to what appears to be a heel turn.

Overall thoughts:

– I tune into a wrestling show to you know, watch wrestling.

  • Instead we get five matches whose combined time takes up less than an hour of the actual show.

– Degeneration X parading around is like your father and his golf buddies hanging out with high schoolers.

– Punk shouldn’t be getting booed for not helping Cena DURING the match.  That’s just playing it smart and not risking Big Show punching him in the face.

– Tonight, I was reminded of why I dislike Charlie Sheen.

  • He has no business in a wrestling ring…especially with someone the caliber of Daniel Bryan.

– Did everyone bring shovels to the arena tonight…because there was A LOT of burying done.

– This show as a whole was disappointing.  It felt more like the local indy shows in high school gyms where older wrestlers make appearances…just on a very large scale.

Highlights – Christian vs. Miz was a decent match.  New logos and graphics.  Hopefully doing away with that AWFUL Nickelback song as a theme.

Lowlights – Burials galore, lack of matches.

Final Score – 2/5.  Only watch if you’re a diehard WWE mark…or if you’re feeling extremely masochistic.

2 thoughts on “Ringside Rants Vol. I – WWE Raw 1,000

    1. xhipsterpanda Post author

      Here are my problems with the whole Charlie Sheen thing (in no particular order):

      – Charlie Sheen hasn’t been culturally relevant since early last year.
      – Much like every other celebrity WWE (and other promotions as well) manage to bring in are there to shill out an upcoming show/movie/album/book.
      – The celebrity appearances usually come at the expense of a talent. In this case Daniel Bryan (or Bryan Danielson for all the indy fans out there). Bryan is known around the world for being one of the best…and WWE decides to use him to feud with a burnout to who has a show coming out soon as some weird means of cross promotion.
      -The visiting celebrities are usually booked to win their matches of their feuds, or at least get the last laugh after a run in.


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