This contains quite a few spoilers for those of you who haven’t seen the show yet.  But anyways. here’s my recap and review of SummerSlam 2012!

Pre-show Bonus Match: United States Championship: Santino Marella (c.) vs. Antonio Cesaro

To be honest, I watched this match after I got home, but I read the spoilers online.  I was absolutely psyched to read the results that I legitimately marked out at my seat at Buffalo Wild Wings.  I’ve always seen Santino Marella as more of a joke and the fact he carried the United States Championships for almost half a year was a bit baffling.  For those of you unfamiliar with Antonio Cesaro, he’s well known on the independent scene by his real name of Claudio Castagnoli…check out his indy work, I think he can do very well for himself in the WWE.

Aksana (Cesaro’s manager/girlfriend) distracts Santino who’s setting up for The Cobra (from a cobra sock that looked like he extracted from his ANUS), Cesaro capitalizes and his the Neutralizer to pick up his first championship in the WWE.
Winner and NEW United States Champion: Antonio Cesaro

My Score: 3/5. Santino matches are always a bit of a bore to me, but I’m a Cesaro fan, and to see him win his first title (and hopefully restore prestige to it) made the victory so much better.
Match #1: Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho

-Ziggler looks like he a walking disco ball with his sparkly silver tights.

-Oh dear lord…Vickie Guerrero looks naked since her dress is the same color as her skin.

-Jericho is now using a faux hawk.

-Good back and forth action.

-Jericho locks in the high angle variation of the Walls of Jericho, the Lion Tamer.  Ziggler taps out.

Winner: Chris Jericho

My Score: 3/5. Decent opener.  I thought this would be like the second or third match in.  This was one of the only matches on the card I was actually excited to see.

WWE is really hyping Triple H/Brock Lesnar.

Match #2: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

-Kane’s music kind of reminds me of Phantom of the Opera.

-Kane’s mask kind of looks like he’s wearing a California Raisin on his face.

-Bryan attempts a diving headbutt, to be caught by the neck and chokeslammed.

-Kane goes for the Tombstone Piledriver (or the 69 Driver and I’d like to call it), but Bryan counters into a roll-up.
Winner: Daniel Bryan Danielson

My Score: 2.5/5. Mediocre for a Daniel Bryan match.  It seems like every Kane match is pretty much the same.

Kane has a post-match breakdown, and does his best Christan Bale Batman impersonation while wrecking stuff backstage.

Match #3: Intercontinental Championship: The Miz (c.) vs. Rey Mysterio (dressed as Batman)b

-The Miz’s jacket looks like something out of a JRPG.

-Rey Mysterio hits the seated senton/flying teabag…A LOT.

-Miz hits the Skull-Crushing Finale after dropping Rey on the turnbuckle.
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: The Miz (and he’s AWESOME!)

My Score: 2.5/5. Just felt kind of lackluster.  I like how WWE keeps making Mysterio out to be this high-flying dynamo when he does his aerial seated senton which looks like he’s forcibly tea bagging his opponent from the air.  And he just came back from a Wellness Policy violation, so putting a title on him would seem a bit lame.
-Backstage segment with Teddy Long…who still dressed like a pimp.

Match #4: World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Sheamus (c.)

-Del Rio is wearing black trunks with gold trim…either he’s supposed to be Batman (like fellow Mexican wrestler, Rey Mysterio)…or he’s trying to take wardrobe advice from Goldust.

-Sheamus’ skin looks unusually pink.

-Decent back and forth action.

-Ricardo Rodriguez gets involved, and “accidentally” throws his shoe in the direction of Sheamus and Del Rio with Sheamus catching it.  Sheamus clocks Del Rio in the face and plants him with the Irish Curse Backbreaker (which I still call The Ginger Snap…for the LULZ).

-Del Rio gets pinned even though his feet are on the ropes…which should have caused a rope break.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Sheamus.

My Score: 2/5.  To be brutally honest, I have almost no interest in this feud.  It’s between a guy who sucks up to Vince McMahon and threatened to quit just so he can be placed on the main roster only to sound completely bland (and whose ring announcer is the ONLY thing to make this character the slightest bit interesting) and a guy who is buddy-buddy with Triple H.  And the whole foot on the ropes despite getting pinned is making me have flashbacks to Capitol Punishment 2011 where Christian has his feet under the ropes but was still beat by Randy Orton.  Just another excuse to keep this feud going…oh joy.

Match #5: WWE Tag Team Championship: The Prime Time Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil) vs. Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (c.)

-WWE still hasn’t created a team name for Kingston/Truth?!

-The Prime Time Players are obnoxiously pink.

-Titus O’Neil looks like Terry Crews.

-Kingston & Truth have Superman colored attire…complete with modified logos…don’t they know that WWE’s “Superman” is John Cena? (based on how he’s booked)

-This match kind of lost my attention.

-R-Truth hits The Little Jimmy (yes, that is the name of his finisher) on Darren Young.

Winners and STILL Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth. Can we just call them Truth & Paradise?

My Score: 1.5/5. BORING.  I understand that the PTP are a heel tag team, but WWE can mix it up after a while.  Like use the other heel team of Hawkins and Reks, have a friendly match against The Usos or Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel, or bring up/create a new tag team for stars who can get a break with a team.

Match #6: WWE Championship Triple Threat (or threesome as my girlfriend calls it): John Cena vs. Big Show vs. CM Punk (c.)

-Is that the Green Lantern?!  Oh wait, it’s John Cena…nevermind.

-I had no idea Big Show joined The Nexus with his shirt colors.

-Punk looks like he joined the Hart Foundation.

-Way to go WWE, CM Punk feuded with Big Show in 2010, and he feuded with John Cena in 2011.  Instead of creating a new feud, or having Punk continue feuding with Daniel Bryan, we get a mix of 2010 and 2011 in 2012.

-Usual Triple Threat fashion, everyone starts off, one guy gets knocked out of action for a bit.  And from there, it’s a round robin where different combinations of the participants fight.

-Big Show gets locked in the Koji Clutch from Punk while Cena locks on the STF.  Show taps, but there are two winners.

-RAW General Manager AJ comes out skipping like a little girl in the schoolyard and restarts the match.

-Cena hits Show with the Attitude Adjustment.  Punk throws Cena out and covers Show,

Winner and STILL WWE Champion: CM Punk.

My Score: 2.5/5.  Was Big Show added in because Punk can only carry Cena through a match for a small amount of time?  For a while, there were rumors going around that WWE was going to put the title back on Cena to set up for another match with The Rock (oh joy </sarcasm>).  I’m glad they didn’t put the belt on Cena again, he doesn’t need any more title runs.

-Camera zooms in on “celebrities”…A WILD FRED DURST APPEARS!  I had no idea that man was still relevant/alive. Durst flips the camera off…I see nobody told his dumbass that it’s a family show now.  From what I’ve read from reports, he was kicked out of the arena.

-Kevin Rudolf (the guy who made “Let It Rock”) comes out to perform the SummerSlam theme song.

-Lyrics primarily consist of: “Don’t give up, don’t back down, you were born to be a star”…repeated over and over.

-The Divas come out and earn their paychecks in a similar fashion to how they used to earn them before working for WWE…shaking it on stage to loud, crappy music.

-Not gonna lie, I spent the whole time laughing at Rudolf’s double chin.

-Instead of this nonsense, we could have seen Antonio Cesaro take on Santino Marella on the main show!

-More Trips/Lesnar hype.

Match #7: Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman vs. Triple H

-Paul Heyman kind of looks like a beardless Silent Bob.

-Lesnar locks in the Kimura lock WAY too many times.

-Triple H’s skin makes him look on par with Tanning Bed Mom.

-Lesnar gets thrown into the corner of the announcer’s table, and starts looking like he’s going to vomit/crap himself.

-Lesnar starts sweating profusely…it actually looks like he got water dumped on him.

-Trips hits The Pedigree and goes for the pin, but is caught in the Kimura Lock again and Lesnar “snaps” Trips’ arm to make him submit.

Winner: Brock Lesnar.

My Score: 2/5. WWE hyped the HELL out of this match, making it more of a priority over it’s own championship.  It was good to see Lesnar get at least one victory since his defeat at Extreme Rules…shows he’s not some high paid jobber.  Post match thing with Trips.  A “YOU TAPPED OUT!” chant breaks out, but then those are turned to cheers to help accentuate that Triple H’s ego.

Final Score: 2.5/5. Not as exciting as SummerSlam 2011, but it’s worth a watch.  Not necessarily something I would go out and buy the DVD/Blu-Ray for.  Just felt adequate.

Random Thoughts:

-Did WWE owe DC Comics money or something?  We had various Superstars wearing DC Superheroes colors/logos.

-Once again WWE does not end the show with a WWE Championship match…way to go WWE.

-Whose bright idea was it to put FRED DURST on camera?!

-Saw some funny signs like “REY SUCKS!” and “EUTHANIZE THE COBRA!”

-Also saw the guy with the white blazer with the WWE logos on it.  He sat in front of me at Night of Champions 2011, and apparently sits front row at the PPV’s.  Is he a plant sent there by WWE?! Does he have free tickets for life?!  Or does he just have a metric crap ton of disposable income?!