Hey guys and gals.  It’s been quite a while since my last post.  Combining working a full time work schedule, exercise, spending time with my girlfriend, a vacation for Orlando, getting sick, and then combating being sick along with a hectic personal life kept me pretty busy.  And it didn’t help that I missed September’s WWE show, Night of Champions, due to the local sports bar/chicken wing establishment wasn’t showing the event.  And I feel that if I don’t watch the event, I don’t feel my opinions of the show can be genuine.  I also had to do a name change for my wrestling-related articles.

But I managed to watch WWE’s recent pay-per-view, Hell In A Cell online.  Without any further adieu, here we go!

Match #1 – Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton

-I’m not a huge fan of Randy Orton and definitely not a fan of Del Rio.

-Decent amount of back and forth action.

-Orton hits the RKO for the win

WINNER: Randy Orton.

Rating – 2/5.  Not sure if opening with Orton/Del Rio was a way to get the crowd pumped.

Match #2 – WWE Tag Team Championship – Daniel Bryan & Kane “Team Hell No” (c.) vs. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow “Team Rhodes Scholars”

-I like both teams.

-Good chemistry between partners.

-Finish comes when Kane goes apeshit on Rhodes and Sandow, leading to a disqualification.

WINNERS: Rhodes Scholars via DQ. Hell No retains.

Rating: 2/5. Alright match. STUPID finish.  I understand Kane and Bryan are supposed to be this odd couple crazy tag team, it would have been nice to see them win by accident.

-The Miz says he’s here to save the world.

Match #3 – Intercontinental Championship – Kofi Kingston (c.) vs. The Miz

-Miz works the leg for a decent amount of time, does a single leg Boston Crab for a bit.

-Great back and forth action.

-A bunch of setups for each others’ finishers, only to have them reversed.

-Miz gets tossed out of the ring after attempting a Skull Crushing Finale, but walks into Kofi’s Trouble In Paradise.

WINNER (and still Intercontinental Champion): Kofi Kingston.

Rating: 3/5.  Great back and forth action.  Should have been the opening match.

-Post match interview – Kofi refers to himself as the Wildcat and constantly refers to himself in the third person.  I had no idea he was impersonating The Rock.

-WrestleMania 29 promo is shown.  I like how even though it’s taking place in East Rutherford, NJ, it’s being marketed as a joint effort between NY and NJ…and a lot of the promotional package featured more of New York City landmarks.

Match #4 – United States Championship – Antonio Cesaro (c.) vs. Justin Gabriel.

-WTF is up with Gabriel’s hair?!  He shaved off like a third of his hair.

-He may have beaten Cesaro to get a championship match, but he certainly lost to a weed whacker to get that gnarly haircut.

-I’m glad to see the crowd DIDN’T start a USA! chant, considering the face is from South Africa.

-Gabriel goes for a 450 and misses, but looks like he rolled through.

-Cesaro on the outside and Gabriel attempts a high risk stunt only to eat a high impact European Uppercut, a move Cesaro is well known for during his indy days as Claudio Castagnoli.

-Cesaro rolls Gabriel back into the ring and hits the Neutralizer (get it?  It’s because he’s from Switzerland) for the win.

WINNER (and still United States Champion): Antonio Cesaro

Rating: 3/5.  Both have a bright future in WWE and they have shown they have good chemistry.  Gabriel is one of the better opponents Cesaro has faced off against.

Also;  WTF is up with Cesaro’s finisher?!  The set up looks like he’s grabbing his opponent’s junk:

Match #5 – Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio vs. Darren Young & Titus O’Neil “Primetime Players”

-WTF is this like a race war?!

-Why was the Tag Team Championship on BEFORE this?!

-Mysterio and Cara wear part of their partner’s mask on their own.  They may as well come out wearing shirts that say “BFF” on them.

-Commentators point out Sin Cara has gotten better since teaming with Mysterio…mainly because he’s not in the ring as much, and he can’t continually botch.

-Rey hits his seated senton/flying tea bag…which makes him a great high flyer.  Yay WWE logic!

-Cara counters into an inverted DDT, but also looks like he straight landed on the front of his head.  Botch?

-Rey hits the 619 and top rope splash for the win.

WINNERS: Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara

Rating: 2/5. It was good teaming Rey and Cara up.  Rey’s can do his usual without overdoing himself and Cara can do less botching in the ring.  I would have liked to have seen Primetime Players win.  It would have made them look like a threat in the tag team scene.

-WWE pimps out a Rolling Stones concert.

-Video package for Sheamus.  They build him up as this great World Heavyweight Champion…being Triple H’s buddy does have its perks.

Match #6 – World Heavyweight Championship – Sheamus (c.) vs. Big Show

-Sheamus looks like a lobster in his red gear.  Big show comes out dressed like an over-sized Hunter from Left 4 Dead.

-Why is this NOT a Hell In A Cell match?

-Usual comparison of Big Show’s hands to sports equipment.

-Sheamus goes for a body slam, doesn’t end well.  Show hits a Vader Bomb on Sheamus.

-Sheamus attempts a Cloverleaf, ref starts counting…on a SUBMISSION move.

-Sheamus does manage to pick Show up, and hits White Noise.

-Show hits the KO Punch (which I guess they changed it from WMD due to comparisons to war related issues). Sheamus kicks out. Show goes for another punch, but Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick, but Show kicks out.  Both stagger to a corner and Sheamus attempts another Brogue Kick, Show sidesteps and hits another KO Punch for the win.

WINNER (and NEW World Heavyweight Champion): Big Show

Rating: 3/5.  Good attempt to make Sheamus look like a fairly competent champion after having do a nowhere feud with Del Rio and squashing Daniel Bryan and WrestleMania.  I raised the score simply because they took the belt off Sheamus and put it on Big Show.

-No Dolph Ziggler cash in?!

Backstage with Eve Torres, Zack Ryder comes out dressed as a witch.  Santino comes out dressed as Lady Gaga (more annoying than funny).  A wild Ron Simmons appears to earn a quick paycheck with his signature “DAMN!”

Match #7 – Divas Championship Triple Threat – Eve (c.) vs. Layla vs. Kaitlyn

-Kaitlyn’s theme sounds like it was done by a HORRIBLE Gwen Stefani impersonator.

-This match couldn’t keep my attention.

-Finish had Kaitlyn powerslam Layla, Eve does a Swanton Bomb and rolls Kaitlyn out of the way and steals a win.

WINNER (and still Divas Champion): Eve Torres

Rating: 1/5.  Why does WWE insist putting Divas PPV matches on later in the card?  It’s a very rough transition from a decently paced match to something MUCH slower.  Eve was the only one in this match with something resembling the actual ability to wrestle.

-WWE ’13 promo.  Why does this look like a graphical step back from last year’s installment?

-Backstage with Big Show.  He dares anyone to challenge him.  Change over to Matt Striker who kind of reminds me of one of those nature show hosts as he stands outside the medical area where Sheamus is getting checked out.

-Punk/Ryback promo.  I don’t think Ryback is ready for any main event.  He’s still a Worker’s Comp case waiting to happen.

Match #8 – WWE Championship – CM Punk (c.) vs. Ryback – Hell In A Cell

-Punk comes out to a good reaction,  Ryback comes out to Goldberg chants.

-Punk gets introduced first?!  He’s the CHAMPION, he should be introduced last.

-Ryback’s “R” on his gear makes him look like a member of Team Rocket.

NOTE: I am NOT a fan of Ryback.  He reminds me of Goldberg if he raided Rob Van Dam’s wardrobe.  He’s more of a power move guy and his basic wrestling skills lack. For the rest of this, I’m calling him Ryberg.

-Ryberg dominates most of the match.  Punk gets in some offense, even using a fire extinguisher.  At some point Ryberg looks like he hit the spear on steel stairs.  Punk gets a kendo stick and gets in some good hits before Ryberg gets up and no sells.  I see he must be learning from John Cena.

-Ryberg picks up Punk for the Shell Shock (and for a moment there’s a fear that Punk will have his 340+ day title reign come to an end at the ends of this hoss).  Referee walks over to Ryberg to stop him and hits a low blow.  Punk does a really crappy roll-up and referee quick counts, giving Punk the win.

WINNER (and still WWE Champion): CM Punk

Rating: 2/5. The fact that Punk got in little offense combined with trying to make this musclehead neanderthal look good.  Ryberg basically overpowered Punk for the majority of the match (and due to physical stature, it would have defied any and all wrestling logic about going against guys much bigger than you).  Punk winning via roll-up was a cheap way out, and it made look Punk look more like a weasel.  it would have been better that after the ref hit the low blow, Punk managed to hit the GTS on Ryberg, making Punk look strong.

-Ryberg beats the everloving piss out of the biased ref (who competes on WWE NXT as Brad Maddox).  Punk tries escaping the cage only to be kept by it and he climbs to avoid Ryberg.  On top of the cage, Ryberg hits the Shell Shock on Punk.  Ryberg stands tall as his obnoxious theme music blasts “FEED ME MORE!” to end the show.

Final Score: 18/40 -or- 2.25/5.  This show was just AVERAGE.  Mediocre openers (the Tag Team Title match had a BS finish).  Better matches were for the midcard championships, World Heavyweight Championship was surprisingly good.  Divas match SUCKED.  The WWE Title match was just meh.  Ironically for a show called Hell In A Cell, only one championship was contested under that condition.  Why wasn’t the World Heavyweight Championship match in a match of the namesake show?!

Thanks for reading and let’s hope it won’t be a long time before you hear from me again!

Be excellent to you and yours.

-Jon “xHipsterPanda”