Parent Freaks Out Over “Portal 2” Joke, Hachi Further Loses Faith in People



One would like to think that over time, the “plebs” would become more comfortable with the concept of video games as more than just blippy “shoot this, blow up that, save the princess” affairs, and have in fact come to realize that they are viable forms of entertainment for older audiences. Games nowadays have wonderful, intricate gameplay systems and are filled with complex, fascinating characters and riveting storylines to match the best Holywood or literature has to offer. Not all games are like this, mind you, but that’s the same for all forms of media. For instance, try to tell me that all books have wonderful storylines or fully justified existences, and I’ll direct you to any number of teenage-skewed dreck or faux “informational” books that clog our bookshelves like plaque in the arteries of the worlds collective intelligence.

Now I can make that herpes and heroin burger I've always wanted! Thanks, Morbid Chef!

However, no matter how far we seem to go, we always end up with alarmist morons who want to raise a big deal because a game engages in something other than “wholesome, family entertainment”. This incident is relatively minor, but is so symptomatic of the mental Dark Ages that people lock themselves in that I can’t help but get annoyed. The issues with this situation are manifold, so let’s start from the top.

I’ll explain this so even the genetic refuse who agrees with this man can keep up. Portal, a game in which you play as a test subject in a science facility who must use a gun that can make portals (ah, you see what they did there?) to solve physics-based puzzles. It’s a well made puzzle game, and it’s also a funny game. It’s filled with some of the sharpest writing this side of, well, anything, featuring a wry, off-putting sense of humor to offset its relatively dark subject matter. Most of the humor comes from the subtly (and sometimes overtly) threatening and insulting comments of your robotic captors. Portal 2 follows suit, featuring not one but 2 snarky, carcastic voices to insult you over the course of the game.

So now that the stage is set, let’s talk about the actual incident. Joe Dipshit (yes, he has a name, but creatures such as these do not deserve the distinction of human acknowledgement) is playing Portal 2 with his ten-year old adopted daughter. Okay, so far so good, after all, he’s exposing a young kid to a well made game, showing some forward thinkingness. Although, one must note that the game is a little complex for someone that old, as most of the jokes and story developments will go right over their stupid little heads. But still, no problem.

Then, a good way through the game, after numerous word gags and situations involving psychosis, death, weight, threats, implied harm to innocents and numerous others that this man had no problem with, the game casts off the bounds of moral propriety and has antagonist Wheately do the unthinkable: he makes an adoption joke, which is playing off a joke from the first one! Zounds! Truly they have no taste, nor any respect for other people’s lifestyles!

The face...eye...thing, of intolerance! Look ye upon your new Hitler!

So lets recap: Craig Dumbfuck has been playing a game that he knows has an edgy sense of humor, relying on uncomfortable topics and tone, as well as snide commentary to make you laugh. It’s also safe to assume that, since it is a very story based game, Mr. Painteater has also played the first one, and was exposed to the game’s sense of humor before, including the adoption gag, one of the many oft-quoted jokes from said game. So how exactly was Braindamage Ted not wary of this joke re-emerging, especially given the game’s propensity for “call-back references” to the first one?

The joke itself is ridiculous: One character, the dreaded Ku Klux Orb above, says “Alright, fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty, fatty, no parents,”, after which another character say “For the record, you are adopted, and that’s terrible, but just stick with me.”. This joke was, according to Mike Failedabortion, “literally the worst thing I have possibly heard”.

Now, the venom I have showered on this man comes from the next set of events. If he had merely done this stupid shit and been angry in his house, maybe telling a few of his friends at the “Sewn-up Butthole Club” about his horror, then it would have been fine. Whatever, you’re still a oozing half-wit, but even amoebas can have opinions. What pushes this over is that he somehow got in touch with a news station, and they ran the story ON TV!

Why? Why does this happen? Why do the supposedly smart people who feed us our news keep indulging this kind of half-baked trash? Because alarmist morons who have neither the inclination to understand a new media, nor the mental capacity to do actual research need something to fill up their storytime. You can watch the clip at the link on top of this page.

Wow, let’s see, what’s your favorite part? Is it when the Black lady who looks like a painted strawberry bills it as an “educational game”? Or maybe it’s the vacuous troll in the center who expresses how “surprised” the father was, as if the joke had come from nowhere. Since, you know, IT’S NOT LIKE THE GAME HAD BEEN MAKING INAPPROPRIATE JOKES BEFORE THIS POINT! What about when strawberry lady gives an accusing “Did you hear that!?” aftet they play the clip, and again points out that it’s in a “Children’s Game”?

I could point out the numerous factual issues (the game is distributed by EA, you blood-colored retard), the constant accusing tone of the piece, the slack-jawed acceptence by the other newsanchors, or even the womans criteria for it being an “educational game” (“Because, you have to use portals to navigate a room!”, coming from a woman who seems like she’d have trouble navigating a speak-and-spell). But the final clincher? The man went RIGHT BACK TO PLAYING IT WITH HIS KID, JUST AVOIDING THAT PART! That means that he is fine with everything else in the game, all the vitriol and inappropriate gags, and just raised an uproar for this one scene. One GODDAMN scene! That’s like trying to freak out about a slasher flick that shows death all over the place, but condemning it if it has one sex scene!

So finally, I would like to address both of the wronged parties. Mr. Cerebral Hemhorrage, If you have a problem with one topic, then yes indeed you should steer clear of it. But if you are playing a game, or watching a movie, or reading a book that has a precedent for mocking serious issues and are surprised when your hot-button topic comes up, then don’t blame the game, blame yourself for lacking the foresight to block against it, you braindead monkey!

And newscasters, a few words of advice: Gaming is a new frontier in entertainment and expression, and deserves to be regarded with the same respect as any other story. However, your dangerously outdated practice of taking things at face value and not checking your facts (it took me 27 seconds to find that info! TWENTY SEVEN SECONDS!) not only makes you look foolish, it also makes a mockery of the concept of journalistic integrity, and reveals you for the archaic mooks that you are.

One last word for my friend Shaun Helmetchild: I’m sure you want to see yourself on TV (because come on, we know that’s all this is about) but you might want to avoid watching it in your house. After all, your little mutant might see a newscast of something unpleasant, and since you’re such a moral, upstanding father, well you can’t let that happen, right? Set some standards, you fucking mongrel.

4 thoughts on “Parent Freaks Out Over “Portal 2” Joke, Hachi Further Loses Faith in People

    1. Hachi76 Post author

      Why? How does this happen? If you don’t want to see something, don’t put yourself in a position to see it. If you worry that something unpleasant might come to your ears, don’t play a game that trades in dark humor! It’s simple deductive reasoning!
      And as for the newscasters, well, whatever. I stopped believing they could honestly do an intelligent job on a videogame piece after the whole “Mass Effect Sex Scene” incident…

  1. Steven "DeadPhoenX" T.

    *peels head off desk* This shit again!? Just when I think public acceptance of videogames has taken a step forward, some assclown has to come in and pull it right back. Educational? For Children? Since when? Barbie’s Horse Adventure is a game for children. Mario Galaxy is a game for everyone. And for crying out loud, she’s freaking old enough to play the game! E10+ you idiot! And hell, what if she did hear the comment? Maybe she would want to beat the game and have the satisfaction of proving the robot wrong! And the dad turning the game off is simply running away from the subject.

    And as for the newscasters, once again, you guys are going for some ratings out of moral panic. This is the cheapest, and outright unfair way to net some storytime in your newscast. And the fact that this is coming from CBS surprises me. They’re better than this. If this was FOX, I wouldn’t care. But CBS? Shame on you.

    1. Hachi76 Post author

      Yup, I can’t get over the tone of that news cast, like they had discovered some conspiracy. “Foul knaves of the games industry, thou tryest to pull the wool over our eyes and pretend thee are a viable entertainment form! How dare you try to play to an older demographic! Now go back to your multi-colored ghosts and turtle shells!”.
      It’s like anever ending parade of stupidity, I swear…


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